Wednesday, June 18, 2008

living with expectations

when i was a little girl, my mom would always tell me how special i am for her and my dad. they say i was blessing because that time having me as baby gave some risk to my mom's health. she had to undergo ceasarian operation when she delivered her first baby which was a year older than me. but as destiny would call it, that baby got sick when she was six months old. they rushed her to her doctor and a few minutes after handling her to him, she passed away. my mom was really shuttered into pieces when she saw her first-born lying in a small box. i remember my aunt telling me how my mom would get her in that box at night and then hug her as they went to sleep together... and to cure my mom's depression, her doctor took care of her and guided her to have another baby... it was a very delicate situation for her because she needs to go another ceasarian operation when she gave birth to me. and then after me, she can no longer have another baby.

with that in hand, i grew up living on the way how my parents would like it - protecting me not to have the same situation as my elder sister. we may not be filthy rich, but i can say that i have lived comfortably with my parents. at times we may not have a very luscious meal on the table but i grew not worrying how my life would survive day after day. my mom and dad work very hard to get me into the best school in our place. they even push me to join a lot of extra curricular activities in school and in our community. every year, my mom would spend money to buy nice gowns for the may flower festival. she said that it was her commitment to the Lord that she would dress me beautifully and join the festival as a gratitude for giving me to her and keeping me alive. it was fun at first but as i get older, i try to question my mom because she always push me to do a lot of things. she always want me to achieve academically, politically, and socially.

a few days before i graduate from college, i was still clueless of what i will do after graduation. until then, i was even clueless why i took political science at all. when people ask me why i took that course, i would always say that it was mom who filled-up my college application.

i thought things would change when i had my first job in a real nice oublic office. i thought that i have already fulfilled her expectations of me. i thought that she would stop pushing me to do more than what i think i can do. but i thought wrong. sometimes i feel bad when she tells me that i did not do my best or my best was not enough. but being a good daughter, i cannot utter a single complain about being tired of living to her expectations.

when she got hospitalized, my world fell into pieces because i was caught unguard of the situation. in a split second, everything was my responsibility. i grew up just thinking about simple things but at that moment, all the people around me depend on me especially my mom who was struggling for her life. i remember her saying that she can endure any pain and would obey all the doctor's order because she knows that i am around to be with her. that moment bacame worse when we led her to her final destination. i tried not to cry infront of my family especially my dad because i felt that they rely on me. i have to be strong for them otherwise, everything would fall apart.

i can say that i acted well because people believe that i have coped with her loss in a short time. but lately, i realized that i was beginning to fall down bit by bit. i became tired of doing my best and i became tired of living with other people's expectations. i came to a point that i just want to do nothing. even up to now, i am still struggling between being carefree and being responsible. a lot of times i do not want to go to work because i feel that i am being exploited and uncompensated for doing a hard work.

while i was watching a movie from my laptop awhile ago, i can see myself in the actress' story. i was able to relate how hard and scary it was for her to live with the expectations of others. she tried to rebel on it but then she realized that it would only do her worse. when she tried to embrace it, she realized that it was not bad after all.

one way or the other, that story has hit me. i may not have the courage to rebel to my mom when she was alive but at some point in my life, i did rebel when she was gone doing things that i know would hurt me in the end. i felt happy doing some crazy stuff but at the end of the day i felt emptiness inside me. if only my mom is beside me right now, she would tell me that i have not been in my best for the past three years. i have all the opportunities to make change but i did nothing about it. i was like a working machine jsut fulfulling my duty in order to get paid but my passion for doing my best was gone. at this very moment, i was not even happy working to other country. when i accepted the offer, i did not do it because i am glad to but i see it as an obligation for me to accomplish. maybe it was also a way for me to be away of the daily responsibilities in my family. but seeing the said movie made me realize that there are a lot of things that i could do to change other people's lives making it better for them to be encourage to continue living. it's just up to me whether i embrace that chance or just bum around letting than chance pass... and i decided to embrace that chance. i may not became famous for that but atleast when i get old, i would have some legacy to leave from my youth. something that i could share with my grandchildren, if ever i would have grandchildren in the future. :)

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