in japanese, it's shogonai

i thought i will not be affected or i was trying not to be affected with his situation right now... i even tried to busy myself and pretend that he never told me about it...still trying to be as cheerful as i can be especially when he calls... but the longer i keep the pain inside me, the deeper it gets into my nerves... how i wish i can have someone to share what im going through right now... as much as i want to tell him what i feel, i tried to be silent so as not to add pressure in his confused mind and feelings. i can feel its hurting me especially when i think of the possibility that we would so soon...people may say that i should trust him and i shoould believe that he loves me.. im trying to be strong to have an open mind and a believing heart. i know at times like this, i should be strong for me to be able to support him especially now that he needs me... but just as they say it in japanese, "shogonai" (i can't do anything).....

about a man

it sometimes annoys me when the my friends and family would push me to find a nice guy.. get married.. and have kids. yes, i know im not getting any younger and since im an only child, i need to have atleast two children to continue my tribe.however, i think i should not look for it... i still believe that the right man for me will come in due time... but the big question is... when?!

as i was walking on my home a while ago, i sudden felt something is missing in me... on sunday, another year will add to my age... that means another year will be subtracted to my chance of being young... it has been years since i felt excited having a date during my birthday or maybe my previous birthday dates were not really meant to be birthday dates...

but what confuses me most is that i really do not feel the need of having someone right now.... yes, i get lonely at times but when someone potential is already in front of me.. that longingness suddenly disappear.... weird, or even scary, as it may seem but the more i clearly see my career path, the narrower my desire to end up with someone.

am i naive?frigid or what? i guess im not because i get fascinated to guys too... maybe i did already find the guy for me but i chose to pursue my career... or maybe he is just around the corner waiting for the right time to be with me... or maybe we still have not crossed our paths yet... or maybe its not just my time yet...

back to my reflections while walking along the streets of bell road and honchodori... i asked myself, what do i real look for in a man... after a fews thoughts, not a single word crossed my mind...

as i open my door, i just give a long sigh and stopped thinking about it... sometimes, things happen unexpectedly but for a reason.. if not today, there's always the next time :)

A Blog from A Very Close Friend

SaYoNaRa fOr NoW.. I’m counting my days being with ANNA – my best bud-slash-touristguide in Makati. I’ve been here for over five years now due to work commitment but never get certain of the place up to now. Yay! – must be the reason for always asking her help to track the place. Good thing she’s there (my one click away GPS); blocking even her busiest day available for me; my shield against stressful day; making me feel like I really belong here to stay. I love her for that - not to mention how generous she really is. She never fails to share even the tiniest blessings she received. Hardly would I find a friend who is such a bighearted like her. I know heading my days in Makati will be different now that she (Anna) will be leaving anytime soon. Yokohama,Japan– her would-be new home for one year. I feel grateful knowing that she was chosen to represent the City Government of Makati as secondmen staff for the CITYNET (Ugh!, I did ask ANNA about it, but I can’t still remember its full name - must be sign of aging..lol ) event. I got so excited of the news when I first heard it, really. But after contemplating that there would be no more ANNA next month, I suddenly asked myself “Am I ready for this?”. Days without her, will definitely uneasy to bear at first. There are so many things with her that I have gotten used to do: texting her during wee hours that I need someone to be with (expect the following day that her things are all packed ready for overnight stay at my place), barhops-slash-bandchasing, fun carnivals, tiangge-shopping galore, quiapo-baclaran tour (she toured me here just to see for myself that these two places are not situated in one place - which my belief at first, hahaha..i was supah “probinsyana” back then), our so called school days (casino days), attending rotaract activities, visiting my old folks while checking out restos that offers wide range of exotic foods, and of course spending Sunday in her place and have the taste of her dad’s very own sinigang na hipon. For obvious reasons, we are more than sisters. We're like Spongebob and Patrick. She may be out of my picture sooner, but who cares? It’s just one year of being apart, anyway,right? Sigh. I’m actually trying not to be sad about it; to accept the grim reality that I have to go on with my life being left here and to settle for who’s around. This is how it’s always gonna be for one year. But looking on the other side of the coin, I want to look at ANA’s departure as her way to explore more of herself in foreign land, to find what’s in store there for her and for me also to find my way to get through here or abroad perhaps. I’d like to think that finding ourselves in different paths is meeting each other at the end of the road. So no SAYONARA (goodbye) for us but IRASSHAIMASE (welcome) to the opportunities that life has to offer. Way for us to go my friend!, thou I am going to miss you dearly.. ڽ

This blog has truly touched me. Knowing that someone has appreciated one's presence and made a change in their life is worth-keeping. Whenever I miss home, reading this blog has helped me ease my loneliness and homesickness. Remembering our good times together help me look forward to the day that I will be home again... However, as we enjoy each other's success in life, a part of me still fear that when I'm about to go home, my dear friend is about to leave to fulfill her dreams...