in japanese, it's shogonai

i thought i will not be affected or i was trying not to be affected with his situation right now... i even tried to busy myself and pretend that he never told me about it...still trying to be as cheerful as i can be especially when he calls... but the longer i keep the pain inside me, the deeper it gets into my nerves... how i wish i can have someone to share what im going through right now... as much as i want to tell him what i feel, i tried to be silent so as not to add pressure in his confused mind and feelings. i can feel its hurting me especially when i think of the possibility that we would so soon...people may say that i should trust him and i shoould believe that he loves me.. im trying to be strong to have an open mind and a believing heart. i know at times like this, i should be strong for me to be able to support him especially now that he needs me... but just as they say it in japanese, "shogonai" (i can't do anything).....

kitchen fascination

i have this fascination with kitchen utensils that every time i have the chance to go to a supermarket or department store, the first place that i would always visit is the kitchen corner. i love seeing the different designs, shapes and colors of plates and glasses and the variety of baking utensils. while i was browsing my payperpost page, i saw that there is an opportunity for writing about rustic furnitures. i was browsing at the given website and what caught my attention is their walnut cutting board with different shapes and style. each cutting board was made like an artifact because of its stylish presentation without sacrificing its real purpose - a kitchen tool...

when things go wrong...

i was awaken by a call from Sam earlier this morning... he said he just got out of the plane from his trip in singapore... he usually do that everytime he goes out of the country...we had our usual talk updating each other about the things we did since the last time we talked and the schedule that we will have for the rest of the day.. but after sometime, he to ld me that he needs to tell me something important and he wants to be honest me all the time... the moment he said that, i felt that its something that is not right... gathering all my strength, i was able to give him the signal to start... he said that he received a call from his ex-girlfriend on the afternoon of Easter Sunday.. he said he was suprised because after a few years without communication, she returned and was asking if they could still be together. he said he can't because he is seeing somebody else right now....
hearing this from him was sweet knowing that he has been honest to me and to the girl that he has me as his girlfriend..but when he said that the girl willing to wait for him... i started to fear that i might be losing him... when i asked him if he still loves his ex, he said he don't know... and he needs time to assess himself about the situation. i thought i would be okay but as time passes by, im starting to feel uneasy... when he said that he needs time to think i know that he just want to make sure that his ex is not making a fun of him.. but at the back of mind, im starting to think that i might lose him... and when the time comes that he decides to leave me, i dont know how to handle it... all i know is that i will be hurting too much because im too much afraid to lose him...

loving... in silence

it has been quite a while since i last post a blog in my page. for the past few weeks had been a hell season for me because of a lot of works to finish especially the seoul events. and maybe because i got a little disappointed because until now, i do not know how my blogs will be accepted in the payperblog site... grrr!!!

my trip to seoul was tiring yet enjoyable... sitting in the grass of seoul plaza right in the middle of the busy city gave me sometime to think and assess some aspects in me. how i wish im with my close friend now whom i can share what im feeling and thinking right now. as of the moment, my only confidante is my blog page...writing this may be a suicide but its the only way i can somehow unleash the confusion that im experiencing at this very moment.

it should not happen, i know its not right.. but yes, i think im falling for someone whom i think i should not fall with in the first place... being with him has never been a dull moment for me however, being with him also is difficult because of practical/obvious reasons...

as much as i want to say how much i miss him, i just can't because i have to keep the line between us otherwise, i may end up hurting. i tried to fight against it, but everytime i do, i just miss him more and more...

i try not to know more about his personal life because it would only add to my heavy feeling or maybe im just to coward to face the truth about him...

i love him in silence... for in silence there's no expectations, no rejections, and most especially, no other person is hurt...

where we are right now, nobody knows. i don't want to ask because it might complicate what we both enjoy right now. how long will i love him in silence... i don't know.

what's in a name?

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life. You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you. At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself. You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

my mentor... my friend...

it started with a glass of red wine... followed by a bottle of red wine..and another bottle of red wine... and four shots of gin tonic.... that's how my special friend and i shared our first moments of friendship. over these few shots, or should i say alcoholic exchange of thoughts, we were able to learn a few things from one another... something that i haven't done since i started working...

we met because of work but i did not expect that we will be seeing each other often after that one toxic night. it was real fun being with him, fun in the sense that i did not have a single boring moment with him... we discuss a lot of things about life, work and dreams... i even consider him my mentor because he always push me to reach for my dreams and to focus on something that i love doing most.

a man with an excellent career background yet still stay humble and sweet.... he is my mentor.. and he is my friend...

about a man

it sometimes annoys me when the my friends and family would push me to find a nice guy.. get married.. and have kids. yes, i know im not getting any younger and since im an only child, i need to have atleast two children to continue my tribe.however, i think i should not look for it... i still believe that the right man for me will come in due time... but the big question is... when?!

as i was walking on my home a while ago, i sudden felt something is missing in me... on sunday, another year will add to my age... that means another year will be subtracted to my chance of being young... it has been years since i felt excited having a date during my birthday or maybe my previous birthday dates were not really meant to be birthday dates...

but what confuses me most is that i really do not feel the need of having someone right now.... yes, i get lonely at times but when someone potential is already in front of me.. that longingness suddenly disappear.... weird, or even scary, as it may seem but the more i clearly see my career path, the narrower my desire to end up with someone.

am i naive?frigid or what? i guess im not because i get fascinated to guys too... maybe i did already find the guy for me but i chose to pursue my career... or maybe he is just around the corner waiting for the right time to be with me... or maybe we still have not crossed our paths yet... or maybe its not just my time yet...

back to my reflections while walking along the streets of bell road and honchodori... i asked myself, what do i real look for in a man... after a fews thoughts, not a single word crossed my mind...

as i open my door, i just give a long sigh and stopped thinking about it... sometimes, things happen unexpectedly but for a reason.. if not today, there's always the next time :)